How Do We Deal With Mismatched Sex Drives?
Worried about unequal libido? Try these tips to maintain a healthy level of desire.
By Candice Neo
People talk about their sex drive the same way they may boast about a car's horsepower.
Not to mention the celebrities who discuss their sexual prowess and libido in the media.
"So-and-so can last for this long," or "This person could do it for this many times in a day."
There is a tendency to liken a higher libido to a superpower, as if it's the sexual equivalent of being able to lift a huge weight or run at exceptional speed.
"We live in a culture that has over-coupled sex with power, commitment of love and personal worthiness," said Kate Balestrieri, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and founder of couples therapy platform Modern Intimacy, based in California.
"As such, many consciously and unconsciously ascribe to a 'more is more' or 'should' mindset around sexual desire," she added.
'When people are not having sex, they feel undesirable and they question what's wrong with themselves'
New York City-based sex expert and marriage therapist, Jane Greer, Ph.D., and author of "Am I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth," agreed.
"[The superiority of higher libido] is promoted in our media and the message often goes, if you want to be desirable, you need to be sexual," she said. "When people are not having sex, they feel undesirable and they question what's wrong with themselves or whether their partners find them attractive. It often leads to feelings of inadequacy."
But is having a higher libido necessarily healthier? How would sex experts define a healthy sex drive?
Is a higher libido healthier?
According to Florida-based sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Joy Berkheimer, Ph.D., the definition of a healthy level of libido is subjective and depends on the individual.
"The concern comes when there is a huge dip from one day to the next or from one relationship to the next," she said. "There can be a shift in how safe you feel from one person to another. Or a shift in your health that needs to be checked out right away. It could also be sudden stress or trauma not related to either, but that is being ignored and manifested in your body nonetheless."
"What could be healthy for one person might be having sex once a week, but for another person, it could be every two to three days," Greer said. "It depends on each individual's desire and energy level."
Balestrieri noted that as sexual desire varies across an individual's lifespan, "there is no magic amount of sex that is the goal to strive for, so it's really about right-sizing sex in your life in a way that works best for you."