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Sometimes women need to vent and process our feelings before we're ready to work on resolving the situation. Men, on the other hand, like to jump in and resolve the problem immediately.

Try to keep in mind that your husband is trying to be helpful. However, his attempt to be helpful leaves you feeling unheard, misunderstood and possibly resentful, particularly if he uses a controlling or dictatorial approach. It feels like a no-win situation because since you are not ready for advice yet, you may rebuff his suggestions which, in turn, makes him feel rejected and confused.

Here's what you can do in the future:

Before you begin the conversation, let him know exactly what you need from him. You might say something like, " I want to share something with you that happened today, but I'm not ready to work on resolving it yet. I just need to vent right now."

Opening your conversation in this way gives him the clarity he needs and helps him understand what you want. It will also give him an opportunity to improve his listening skills. It's possible that your husband, even with your clear instructions, will not quite understand the purpose of the conversation. He may even say something like, " Well, if you're not going to do anything about it, why talk about it?"

If this happens resist the urge to get angry, and take a moment to help him to understand. Tell him, "I do plan to do something about it, and I'll probably be asking for your opinion in a day or so, but right now what I need to do most is express my feelings and know that you support and understand me."

In time your husband will become more comfortable with his "listening" role in these situations. But since new behaviors take some time and practice to learn, being patient with him will smooth the process and make it easier for him to learn.

-Dr. Jane Greer

I suggest you handle this situation by first taking a step back and looking at the big picture.

Is your husband messy in all areas around the house, or just with his dirty clothes? We all have messy and tidy areas of our life, and putting his messiness into perspective will help to dissolve some of the anger and frustration you're feeling.

Here's what you can do:

If your husband is messy all over the house, it's time for you to decide what you are willing to do, and what you are not willing to do. Many women have difficulty setting these types of limits because it is often ingrained in us that keeping a tidy house is "our responsibility." In reality, however, sharing the burden equally is the approach that makes the most sense. Rather than feeling like a victim of his messiness, make a list of household tasks that need to be done, then sit down with him and divide them evenly. Once this new division of labor is established, stand your ground — without anger.

If your husband's messiness is primarily with his clothing, give him some structure to support him in moderating his behavior. For example, if you're the one who does the laundry, you might say something like, "It would really be helpful for both of us if you would start piling your dirty clothes all in one place. Then when it's time to do laundry I'll know exactly what needs to be washed and you'll know that the clothes you need will be clean when you want them."

If you find that seeing his dirty clothes around the house is still really bothering you, you have a decision to make:

Does it bother you more to pick up after him, or to have dirty clothes strewn about?

If it is easier for you to tolerate picking up after him, you may choose to continue to do it. Be honest with yourself in making this choice, because you will feel better and your relationship with your husband will be more harmonious if you "choose" to pick up after him, rather than feel as if you " have" to.

If you make this choice, do it as a favor in exchange for his taking on some other responsibility so you don't feel burdened with the lion's share of household work.

If it's easier for you to deal with seeing his clothes lying around than it is to pick up after him, go with the structuring approach and let the clothes fall where they may.

-Dr. Jane Greer

First of all, don’t get into the losing battle of competing with the computer or comparing your own importance with your husband's favorite pastimes. This type of situation calls for creativity rather then ultimatums. For example, don’t think or say that if your husband loved you enough, he’d be willing to give up his computer time. His interest in the computer is not a lack of interest in you. However, like any hobby, it can become obsessive and intrusive if it is interfering with the time you spend together as a couple. 

I suggest you validate his hobby and also offer him some loose structure so that your own needs get met. Tell him you appreciate that he enjoys working on the computer and surfing the Net, but that you also enjoy spending time with him. Before you speak with him about this, determine when you most want to spend time with him. Is it before the two of you go to bed, or right after you both come home from work? Determine how much time you need to feel connected with him and when you need it the most. Once you’re clear about what you would love to have, present it to him in a positive, upbeat manner. 

You might say something like, “I know you’re going on the computer, and I’m glad you have a hobby that’s mentally stimulating for you. It would make a world of difference for me if we could spend each night together from 6:00 to 8:00, or if we could plan one night a week just for the two of us to have fun with each other."

Your objective is to introduce the balance so that both of you have your needs met, rather than pushing him to give up his hobby — which won’t happen. The more you blast him and convey that he is “wrong” to spend so much time online, the more likely he is to spend more time glued to his computer. Move out of an either/or position and figure out a way to factor in room for both of you! 

 I've been happily married for four years, but recently I found an old boyfriend on the Internet, and we have been talking now for a while. He is also married but with children. We shared a lot when we were together 15 years ago, and now it seems like nothing has changed. We talk like we were still together and share intimate things with each other. Sometimes we have cybersex. He makes me feel good when we do this, and I think it has made my sex life with my husband better. Even though we will never meet in person, doing this makes me feel like I'm cheating.

Good. It should make you feel like you're cheating - because you are! 

While you're trying to rationalize this relationship, you're deceiving yourself and your husband. You have a history with this man, you're now sharing intimacies with him, and you're having cybersex. To me, it sounds like a pretty emotionally charged relationship that has gone well beyond fantasy. 

If you've been so happily married, how come when you found this old boyfriend you didn't say hello and good-bye, as opposed to reconnecting and opening the door to what was never a fully resolved ending to that relationship? 

You say that you've shared a lot together, and it "seems like nothing has changed." On the contrary! He's married with children, and you're married too. You're not still together, and my question to you is: Did you ever get over him in the first place? Because it sounds like you're picking up where you left off. You're placing yourself and your marriage in real jeopardy, and for what? Who ended this relationship? If this man left you 15 years ago, you can be fairly certain, he'll leave you again. And if you left him, then where's your clarity? How come you keep going back? 

Why aren't you having intimate conversations with your husband and striving to make your sex life better directly, instead of having cybersex with your old boyfriend? 

The distance you're creating by getting your sexual needs met with your lover is creating a chasm that's going to be tough for you to bridge since you have no motivation to confront your husband directly. And without that, you're only going to wind up with more distance over time. 

Get a hold of yourself. Stop excusing yourself and justifying your behavior and take responsibility by dealing with the problems in your marriage and putting the limits in place to make this old relationship just that: old and over.

 I read about couples who claim to have just as much passion after 10, 20, 30-plus years as they did when they met and, frankly, I'm jealous - very jealous. The passion went out of my marriage after a couple of years. I love my husband of eight years - we're best friends - but I couldn't care less about having sex with him. Can you tell me what you think it is that couples like this have, and what you think is the number-one thing in a relationship that keeps passion alive? All I want is to want to have sex with my husband again.

I would say that couples after any length of time can still enjoy the passion they had at the beginning of their marriage in terms of the quality and intensity, but not necessarily in terms of quantity.

Passion is like a flame. In the beginning, it's always blazing, but over time it starts to flicker. If you watch a candle, there are moments when it burns intensely and moments when it wavers. To keep passion alive, both people have to be willing to feed the fire and make sure it doesn't go out. That requires both partners being willing to do the work, and that's the key.

To make a fire, someone has to gather the kindling, chop the wood, get the matches, light the fire and carefully stoke it to keep it going. The same is true of sexual passion. It's not just immediate combustion between any two people. Somebody has to make the effort to set up the date, be flirtatious, look their best, wear sexy clothes and let their partner know that this is what they're doing and that they want their partner to join in with them. Very often both people get casual and lazy, thinking that the other one will take care of the fire, and as a result it just goes out.

If you love your husband, there's every reason in the world to be able to share that love on a physical as well as emotional level. However, as with anything physical, it takes planning, preparation, making the commitment, scheduling the time and putting the physical energy and effort into it.

So let your husband know ahead of time that you want to make a date and figure out an evening that works for both of you. Then, pick out your favorite outfit and tell your husband if there's a particular outfit that you'd like him to wear. Make sure he takes care of hygiene - shaving, showering or whatever it takes to eliminate any passion barriers - and that you both get ready as if this were your first date.

Since it sounds like the fire's gone out, you've got to build it again from scratch, and that means setting the scene. Think back to your most passionate experience with your husband and try to re-create it.